


tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef

by Hella_Queer



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Arguing, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone has beef, Everyone is mid twenties except Hannibal who is probably 37, Humor, Multi, Social Media, Twitter, Will Graham is a streamer, sometimes maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26703814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hella_Queer/pseuds/Hella_Queer
Summary: Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeatsI inhaled quite sharply when I saw the state of my feed. Am I seeing this correctly? Has@Cracker_Crumbsreturned to us?Tell Me S’more @Cracker_CrumbsMother fucking son of a bitch~Welcome to the Twitter Beef AU.
Relationships: Alana Bloom/Margot Verger, Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter
Comments: 15
Kudos: 67





	1. Don’t Call it a Resurrection

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  I look pretty good for a dead bitch
> 
> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  HE’S ALIVE 🥳🥳🥳
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @bi_detector**  
>  Honestly expected it to take longer. This is my FOURTH suspension this year 
> 
> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Everybody loves a bad boy!! 
> 
> **Jack in the Bog @Crawwfish**  
>  **Replying to @bi_detector @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Everyone loves a redemption arc you mean. Try not to piss anyone else off for at least a week 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @Crawfish**  
>  I won’t even pretend to make this promise out of respect for you

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  Wonder how long it’ll take for Will’s not so secret stalker to notice he’s out of twitter jail 
> 
> **Jack in the Bog @Crawwfish**  
>  **Replying to @bi_detector**  
>  Why would you speak this into existence. Publicly. Why would you even put this out in the universe in front of God and everyone? 
> 
> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  **Replying to @Crawfish**  
>  He’s gonna notice! I’m just wondering how long it’ll take. Will is on a RT spree catching up on stuff he missed so it’s only a matter of time…

❣️

* * *

**Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
I inhaled quite sharply when I saw the state of my feed. Am I seeing this correctly? Has **@Cracker_Crumbs** returned to us?

**Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
Mother fucking son of a bitch

* * *

❣️

> **Jack in the Bog @Crawwfish**  
>  **@bi_detector** a whole twenty-five minutes. I’m honestly a little shocked 
> 
> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  **Replying to @Crawfish**  
>  Right?!

❣️

* * *

❣️

**Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
Will is gonna come in and complain about Hannibal. Jack will tell him to block. Will is going to completely sidestep and continue to complain. These are my 🔮

❣️

* * *

* * *

**wilhelm scream:** I HATE HIM WHY IS HE ALWAYS HERE ALL THE TIME 

**wilhelm scream:** PUT ME BACK IN FUCKING JAIL AT LEAST I WAS FREE 

**Dumb Prawn:** How many times do I have to tell you to block him!

 **Dumb Prawn:** Give me your phone I’ll do it for you since you clearly don’t know how 

**wilhelm scream:** I shouldn’t have to block him he should know to stop using my account as his personal feed!

 **wilhelm scream:** Literally all I talk about is work, shit my dad said and Winston

 **wilhelm scream:** He’s a chef Doctor winter soldier secret spy or whatever so WHY is he so far up my ass I feel like he can read my thoughts 

**ztaKatz:** This is so sexy of me 

**wilhelm scream:** What???!

 **ztaKatz:** Nothing. I just enjoy being correct <3

 **ztaKatz:** Also lmao guess who just saw Hannibal’s tweet

 **Dumb Prawn:** If it’s Freddy you both buy me lunch this week

 **wilhelm scream:** I hope it’s Alana. Watching them fight would be the only highlight of my day

* * *

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  I inhaled quite sharply when I saw the state of my feed. Am I seeing this correctly? Has **@Cracker_Crumbs** returned to us?
> 
> **FBI’s Most Haunted @FinalGirl**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Oh this is totally fate! You were just talking about him YESTERDAY. The universe is sending you a sign! 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @FinalGirl @GoodMeats**  
>  Yeah it’s telling you to fucking untag me in this. Margot I will pay you to keep my name off of your page 
> 
> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs @FinalGirl @GoodMeats**  
>  Hey Will! So good to have you back. I would really appreciate it if you aimed your attitude at someone other than my girlfriend thanks

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  ANYWAY. I’ll be streaming this Saturday starting around 3pm. I’m debating between Dead Rising and Lollipop Chainsaw Drop your favorite below and I’ll play whichever one I think is winning 
> 
> **Freddy or Knot @Lotta_Hart**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  I question the decision to play a game full of fan service that depicts a NEWLY TURNED 18 year old girl in a skimpy outfit as the first thing you announce after being suspended for rude language and threatening behavior 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @Lotta_Hart**  
>  first off Congrats on knowing the lore second of all I didn’t threaten anyone I told Hannibal to shove his electric mixer up his ass how is that a threat I didn’t say I was gonna do it and lastly YOU were the one who reported me in the first place

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  ANYWAY. I’ll be streaming this Saturday starting around 3pm. I’m debating between Dead Rising and Lollipop Chainsaw Drop your favorite below and I’ll play whichever one I think is winning 
> 
> **Shrimp Fried Price @jimothy**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Dead Rising but you only take outfit requests from chat and model them around the mall 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @jimothy**  
>  That’s actually not a bad idea! Let me know if you’re free Saturday you can hop on call and be my announcer

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  ANYWAY. I’ll be streaming this Saturday starting around 3pm. I’m debating between Dead Rising and Lollipop Chainsaw Drop your favorite below and I’ll play whichever one I think is winning 
> 
> **Ole Zeller @braincellonloan**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @braincellonloan**  
>  One of my favorite levels! You think people would notice if I had a space cake before hopping on stream?

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  ANYWAY. I’ll be streaming this Saturday starting around 3pm. I’m debating between Dead Rising and Lollipop Chainsaw Drop your favorite below and I’ll play whichever one I think is winning 
> 
> **FBI’s Most Haunted @FinalGirl**  
>  **Replying to Cracksr_Crumbs**  
>  If I tip you 75 bucks will you play Monster High: New Ghoul In School instead? You get to customize your girl 👀👀👀
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @FinalGirl**  
>  I’m ashamed of how fucking tempting this is

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  ANYWAY. I’ll be streaming this Saturday starting around 3pm. I’m debating between Dead Rising and Lollipop Chainsaw Drop your favorite below and I’ll play whichever one I think is winning 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  I would say story wise they are on equal footing. It all boils down to game variety and Dead Rising is the clear winner. The range of weapons and health mechanic is far superior 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  Didn’t need an essay but thanks 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  I figured you’d be into the whole having your boyfriends decapitated head on your hip thing 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Oh I adore that. The combination of codependency and helplessness makes my blood sing. Not to mention the unpaid debt of saving someone’s life and them owing you. Which they cannot yet repay by being a head on your belt. 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  But Dead Rising has katanas and an eating mechanic and a much more attractive player character 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  Not a fan of blondes then? 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  I have nothing against them. I just find dark hair utterly captivating. Especially if it curls just so at the ends. I find it boyishly charming. Some might say sweet.

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  What if I straightened my hair and dyed it bright white. 
> 
> **Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  Okay Danny Phantom


	2. Hypothetical Dinner Plans

> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  ex–oomf is really talking about cannibalism with his entire chest and has the audacity to make fun of those who disagree with him 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @ALottaDrama**  
>  Isn’t your girlfriend agreeing with him right now in real time?
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @ALottaDrama**  
>  “I’m not saying I’d eat a person TODAY RIGHT NOW! But if they offered me a human steak as my last meal like why would I say no? I’m dead after that so why not be part of an exclusive club of literal maneaters?” 
> 
> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  **Replying to @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  I don’t see what that has to do with anything

❣️

* * *

* * *

**King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** Margot. Please change my name back to its original form 

**MarGo Off I Guess:** ok but is it a lie?

 **Bad Bitch Supreme:** I think it suits you quite well. The only debatable part is the title. To be king of anything is an honor I don’t think you’ve earned 

**Queen Wife of Babe Island:** Always a pleasure to see you in chat Chiyoh 

**King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** I need not earn a title I killed for

 **MarGo Off I Guess:** You were a theater kid in high school weren’t you?

 **King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** What gave it away? 

**Bad Bitch Supreme:** During our rendition of Romeo and Juliet, Hannibal inquired as to why both leads couldn’t be male. Because surely that’s a more compelling and tragic love story 

**Bad Bitch Supreme:** Missing the point just like everyone else because that story is less about the love of two teenagers and more about why they died. Because of family division and stress and I would kill my father if he tried to marry me off to a man in his thirties when I was thirteen 

**MarGo Off I Guess:** Hannibal tried to turn R&J into a bury your gays and I think that’s wonderfully ironic 

**King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** They were to die regardless. I just thought a slight adaptation would bring life to the tired narrative 

**Bad Bitch Supreme:** The boy he had his eye on back then was an antisocial history buff with dark circles under his eyes and curly brown hair 

**Queen Wife of Babe Island:** That Fucking Tracks 

**King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** I’ll have you know Gregory and I still keep in touch. He invited me to his wedding a few years back and his wife adored the wine I brought 

**Bad Bitch Supreme:** I’m very proud of you for not poisoning her champagne 

**King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** It tasted bad enough without my help. Your last drink should at least be palatable

* * *

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  Casting aside morality for the moment: would you eat a person if given the chance. Prepared in a style of your choice of course. I myself and picturing a nice steak, with a side of grilled onions and maybe a garden salad. 
> 
> **Shrimp Fried Price @jimothy**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  I don’t know if I’m impressed by how thought out this is or if I should be utterly terrified. Whenever I think of people being eaten I think of how gross their brains look and how zombies must hate it

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  Casting aside morality for the moment: would you eat a person if given the chance. Prepared in a style of your choice of course. I myself and picturing a nice steak, with a side of grilled onions and maybe a garden salad. 
> 
> **Ole Zeller @braincellonloan**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  I think I could stomach a leg but only as taco meat. Anything internal and I would 🤮🤮
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @braincellonloan**  
>  You strike me as the kind of person who would thrive on Fear Factor and then crumble during the food challenges 
> 
> **Ole Zeller @braincellonloan**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  Heights? No problem! Cow face and pig guts? Keep your money I like my diet just the way it is

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  Casting aside morality for the moment: would you eat a person if given the chance. Prepared in a style of your choice of course. I myself and picturing a nice steak, with a side of grilled onions and maybe a garden salad. 
> 
> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  Absolutely not!! This is so weird even for you 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @ALottaDrama**  
>  On the contrary I believe I’m being on brand. I said to lay your morals down. The person being eaten is doing so willingly. All of their organs are healthy and they have a good muscular structure. 
> 
> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  STOP I ALREADY SAID NO 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @ALottaDrama**  
>  You need not reply dear friend.

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  Casting aside morality for the moment: would you eat a person if given the chance. Prepared in a style of your choice of course. I myself and picturing a nice steak, with a side of grilled onions and maybe a garden salad. 
> 
> **Rosanna Pansino’s Shadow Clone @BloodyNummies**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**   
> Barbecue 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  **Replying to @BloodyNummies**  
>  Oh fabulous. I’m actually just leaving work let’s get dinner 
> 
> **Rosanna Pansino’s Shadow Clone @BloodyNummies**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**   
> K

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  Casting aside morality for the moment: would you eat a person if given the chance. Prepared in a style of your choice of course. I myself and picturing a nice steak, with a side of grilled onions and maybe a garden salad. 
> 
> **Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  Eat the rich with their own gold plated utensils. Make a nine course meal out of the country club benefactors. Dye the tablecloths red with their blood. Consume their eyes with salad forks. Capture their terrified faces and carve an ice sculpture 

❣️

* * *

* * *

**MarGo Off I Guess:** How ya feelin buddy?

 **King Simp of Bitch Mountain:** If anyone needs me I will be on my private account for the next hour and a half

* * *

* * *

❣️

**Tell Me S’more @Cracker_Crumbs**  
To the guy I was making out with in the back of a pickup truck in a field under the stars in the dream I just woke up from…. hit me up. I like bad movies, going on walks with my dog and spending other people’s money on things I don’t need.

❣️

* * *

❣️

> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  I am having a very normal and calm reaction. This is fine I am fine. 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  This is also my main account this is also fine 
> 
> **Alton Brown’s Alter Ego @GoodMeats**  
>  While I’m here I will mention I think dogs are intelligent and good companions, I could pay rent for a year, and I have the boxed DVD set of every Bring It On movie proudly displayed in my living room. 
> 
> **Better Homes and Martyrs @ALottaDrama**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats**  
>  This is so sad for you. Alexa play Obsessed by Mariah Carey 
> 
> **FBI’s Most Haunted @FinalGirl**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats @ALottaDrama**   
> Alexa play Friendzone by Huron John
> 
> **Rosanna Pansino’s Shadow Clone @BloodyNummies**  
>  **Replying to @GoodMeats @ALottaDrama @FinalGirl**  
>  The bankrupt sound on wheel of fortune but bass boosted. Overlayed with the buzzer on jeopardy when you take too long to answer. Spliced together with the sound the crowd makes when you miss a shot on Wii golf

❣️

* * *

❣️

**Sword Swinging Sapphic @bi_detector**   
UM HI ID LIKE TO REPORT A FUCKING MURDER GODDAMN 


End file.
